The Brother-in-law

Another joke from the mailbag. Enjoy:

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared on the altar of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The old cowboy replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the cowboy.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you are still not afraid of me?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The old cowboy calmly replied,

‘Been married to your sister for 48 years. ‘

The $2.99 Special

A husband and wife were traveling the country, celebrating their golden years together. They went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘senior special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.  ‘But I don’t want the eggs..’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49  because you’re ordering a la carte,’  the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for  not taking the eggs?’  the wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!’ stated the waitress..

‘I’ll take the special then,’ the wife said..

‘How do you want your eggs?’  the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.  She took the two eggs home  and baked a cake.

Moral of the story:

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
They’ve been around the block more than once!

Today Must be Math Day

Today I ran across two separate math articles from two different sources.

The first was a video from a segment on the Dave Ramsey show. He talks about Obamacare and how you are not exempt from math regardless of whether you are a Republican or a Democrat. He also mentions the effects of being forced to purchase insurance. Have a look:

YouTube Preview Image

The second was an article brought to my attention by a friend:

The modern-day ‘slave class’ is anyone who cannot do math… and that’s about 95% of the population (click here)

Overall, it is a good read. I do not agree 100% with everything the article has to say. For example, I understand that it is a wise decision to transfer risk by purchasing certain types of insurance (such as term life insurance and homeowner’s insurance). The article does bring up the control factor of taxation and the national debt. That, I can certainly appreciate.

There was a slight bit of overlap between the two, but they underlying premise is more or less the same:

You are not excused from math!

It does not matter what you believe or don’t believe either side of politics.

  • Do not fall victim to any of the “loudest voice in the room” arguments on either side of the political spectrum
  • Do not buy into the euphemisms designed to cover up the theft imposed on you by the government
  • Do not be fooled by the trickery used to mask the true nature of our country’s dire financial situation

Jesus is Watching You

Saw this one on a friend’s Facebook wall:


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Can You Help Me Hide the Body?

Someone created a fake Facebook account and made it look like one of existing friends. I received a friend request and accepted it thinking perhaps she had lost access to her other account or was wanting to set up a separate account for business. It wasn’t too long before the new account started arising suspicion. Sure enough, I knew for certain it was a fake account as soon as the person operating the new account tried to fire up a chat session with me. Naturally, I decided to mess with him/her. Here’s the transcript:

Them: Hi Stuart
Me: Hello
Them: How have you been?
Me: Very well, thank you. Yourself?
Them: Doing pretty good. Ive been trying to reach you lately cause i have a great news to share with you and im not sure if youve heard about the recent good news yet?
Me: What good news is that?
Them: Are you aware of any Agent Williams Stephanie,hes a Federal Agent that holds the new Federal Govt empowerment program??
Me: Don’t think I have heard of that agent
Them: Im so happy about the help i got from this new program recently and not sure if youve gotten yours too,cause i got $50,000 cash delivered to me at my doorstep……did they come down to your house?
Me: OH THAT person
Me: yes, they came to the house… I abducted them and have them tied up in my basement.

[around this time, either Facebook shut down the fake account or the person operating it blocked me]

Me: You have access to the forest. Can you help me hide the body?

Failed to send

Take Me to Jail!

It has been a while since I posted a mailbag joke, but this one passed the test:


A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that sobriety test.”

Time to Give

As you know, I believe private charity is superior to government programs. To that end, I ask all of you to dig in deep this year and help. We have a friend in need. My good friend Darryl Buchannon was instrumental during my 2010 campaign, but he has recently fallen on hard times. He wants to give his family a great holiday season this year. Every bit counts! Click here to give, because you never know when you may fall on hard times and need a little help yourself!