Jesus is Watching You

Saw this one on a friend’s Facebook wall:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Can You Help Me Hide the Body?

Someone created a fake Facebook account and made it look like one of existing friends. I received a friend request and accepted it thinking perhaps she had lost access to her other account or was wanting to set up a separate account for business. It wasn’t too long before the new account started arising suspicion. Sure enough, I knew for certain it was a fake account as soon as the person operating the new account tried to fire up a chat session with me. Naturally, I decided to mess with him/her. Here’s the transcript:

Them: Hi Stuart
Me: Hello
Them: How have you been?
Me: Very well, thank you. Yourself?
Them: Doing pretty good. Ive been trying to reach you lately cause i have a great news to share with you and im not sure if youve heard about the recent good news yet?
Me: What good news is that?
Them: Are you aware of any Agent Williams Stephanie,hes a Federal Agent that holds the new Federal Govt empowerment program??
Me: Don’t think I have heard of that agent
Them: Im so happy about the help i got from this new program recently and not sure if youve gotten yours too,cause i got $50,000 cash delivered to me at my doorstep……did they come down to your house?
Me: OH THAT person
Me: yes, they came to the house… I abducted them and have them tied up in my basement.

[around this time, either Facebook shut down the fake account or the person operating it blocked me]

Me: You have access to the forest. Can you help me hide the body?

Failed to send