Watch your…

This was seen on Facebook, but I’ll count it as a mailbag post.


A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day, the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The Brother-in-law

Another joke from the mailbag. Enjoy:

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared on the altar of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The old cowboy replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the cowboy.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you are still not afraid of me?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The old cowboy calmly replied,

‘Been married to your sister for 48 years. ‘

The $2.99 Special

A husband and wife were traveling the country, celebrating their golden years together. They went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘senior special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.  ‘But I don’t want the eggs..’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49  because you’re ordering a la carte,’  the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for  not taking the eggs?’  the wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!’ stated the waitress..

‘I’ll take the special then,’ the wife said..

‘How do you want your eggs?’  the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.  She took the two eggs home  and baked a cake.

Moral of the story:

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
They’ve been around the block more than once!

Take Me to Jail!

It has been a while since I posted a mailbag joke, but this one passed the test:


A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that sobriety test.”

I am sending this response to your dam office

This showed up in my mailbag today. Funny regardless of whether or not it is true, but according to Snopes, it is true!


This is a good one!!

Look at the two pictures; then scroll down
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter, you won’t stop once you start.

This is an actual letter: State of Pennsylvania ‘s letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ … File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

Continue reading “I am sending this response to your dam office”

Tale of Two Doctors

This was in ye olde email inbox this morning.


Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
scheduled for 6 months from then pending the review boards decision on his
age and remaining value to society.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obamacare.

In November if Barack Obama and his Czars get another term we’ll all have to find a
good vet.

What Fish?

Great joke in the mailbag today:


A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish??”
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home.”
“What a line of horse …you’re under arrest.
The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment Man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”
“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.
The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the warden!
“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY :
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

A Look at Current Self-defense Common Law in Virginia

Here is some great information Mr. Van Cleave from the VCDL gave me permission to re-publish.


Virginia currently has excellent protections for those involved in the use of force for self-defense.  Our protections are much broader than the “Castle Doctrines” that many states have.  True “Castle Doctrine” bills provide protection only in a person’s home, while Virginia common law provides protections everywhere you might be – at home, in the yard, at work, at the store, in church, etc.  Some states desperately needed “Castle Doctrine” laws, as their existing laws were horrible on self-defense.  Many required a person to retreat EVEN IN THEIR OWN HOME!  Not true in Virginia.
Virginia is a “stand-your-ground” state.  That means AS LONG AS YOU ARE NOT PART OF “THE PROBLEM” and are innocent, you can stand your ground and use force to defend yourself wherever you may be.  Deadly force is only allowed if you are under IMMEDIATE threat and you reasonably fear that you, or another innocent party, will be killed or be grievously injured.  The death of an attacker caused by use of such deadly force is considered “justifiable homicide.”  Note that you don’t actually have to be in a deadly situation, but only have a REASONABLE FEAR that you are in such a situation, to be justified in the use of deadly force.  For example, if someone tries to rob you with a toy gun and you don’t know it’s a toy gun, you would be justified in responding with deadly force since you would reasonably fear that your life was in immediate danger.

If you are part of “the problem,” say by making an obscene gesture or yelling a threat at someone, then, if attacked, you MUST RETREAT.  The retreat must be as far as you can reasonably go and you must indicate that you give up the fight.  Then, and only then, if the attacker persists, can you use force against them.  If they are trying to kill you or grievously injure you, and they die because of your use of deadly force, it is considered “excusable homicide,” a lower standard than “justifiable homicide.”  Moral to the story:  don’t give up your right to stand-your-ground by being part of the problem – ever.

The reason that a person who is part of the problem is required to retreat is to avoid someone committing murder under the guise of self-defense.  Otherwise, a murderer could intentionally badger a victim to the point that the victim attacks out of sheer anger or frustration.  At that point the murderer, standing his ground, could use that attack as an excuse to kill the victim “in self-defense,” getting away with murder legally.  Not good, not acceptable, and not legal.

Would common law or the “Castle Doctrine” bills GUARANTEE that a person legally defending themselves could NOT be charged with murder or sued civilly?  NO.  If the police and/or the Commonwealth Attorney have reason to believe, rightly or wrongly, that you committed a murder instead of true self-defense, you are going to be arrested and charged.  Period.  As far as a civil suit, you can be sued for anything and nothing can stop that either.  However, common law (and the wording in the Castle Doctrine bills) provide a defense.  However, the common law provides the same defense wherever you may be, while the “Castle Doctrine” would only apply inside your dwelling.

Author: VCDL