Perhaps it’s not just Facebook, but I find it ironic that Scott Adams and Leo Babauta both wrote about similar addiction on the same day:
This was in my email inbox this morning.
Why don’t we hear about this on the news???
Abbot and Costello
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It’s about 9%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right: 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 9%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you’re out of work you’re unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: But … They’re out of work!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they’re ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work… Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. If you give up, you’re no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment goes down just because you don’t look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!
And now you know why Pres Obama’s unemployment figures are improving.
This lovely joke ended up in my inbox today courtesy of my friend Dave.
It’s a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle, TN and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
(Stay with this…..and pay attention)
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
(Almost done…keep reading)
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.
And that, my friends, is how a “stimulus package” works!
Funny mailbag joke I just couldn’t pass up sharing:I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!!! It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
“FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”
No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.” Problem solved!
If only it were that easy.
Yet another joke in my email inbox from Dave W:
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN
This arrived in my inbox today courtesy of Paul B. I’m a Monty Python fan, and this hit the funny bone for me today. Needed a good laugh, and HERE IT IS!
MOST YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA WHO JOHN CLEESE IS. BUT FOR US OLDER MONTY PYTHON FANS, THIS IS PRETTY INSIGHTFUL AND FUNNY:
ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person
Today’s Mailbag found a joke from Paul B. I had received this one a time or two before. Worthy of a laugh.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Yet another mailbag joke courtesy of Dave W. (trust me when I say that my decision to do this mailbag->blog thing will involve a lot of Dave W. content). I lived in the Washington D.C. area when the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal went down. What a fiasco!
The Clinton Library is now open & and they’ve revealed the Official Portrait…
This morning’s first mailbag entry is a joke sent by Dave W. I get quite a few jokes (of varying levels of decency) sent to me via email and will try to post them up when I can.
Subject: THE HAIRCUT
A young boy had just received his driver’s permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son. ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, I’m real proud of you. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut. ‘
The young man paused a moment then said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’
To this his father replied, ‘Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?’